Blessed beyond measure

So I celebrated my birthday over the weekend and welcomed 33 with open arms, for many reasons really.  First off, I love odd numbers, far better than evens.  Call it weird but I'm always happier when I am on an odd number birthday year.  Secondly, this past year has been a little rough to say the very least.  It has also been filled with good and wonderful things, but I am happy to finally move onto the next lap around the sun and see what this year has in store for me.

Because I love birthday's I sort of turned the whole weekend into my birthday! :)  Friday night I made some cupcakes while we watched some of the NCAA basketball games.  We ended the evening by watching This is 40, which was pretty funny!

Saturday morning I had a few sweet friends come over for a delicious brunch.  It was fun to have a slow and relaxing breakfast and visit with friends.  I made a yummy quiche-recipe coming soon!  My friends brought delicious food too like monkey bread, donuts and fruit salad.  We ate and drank coffee and just took a few moments out from our hectic lives to share some time together.  It was lovely.

Once they had left, Pat and I packed up and dropped Lucy off at my parents before heading to Fort Wayne for a few hours.  Pat and I went shopping around town at all the places that we never have time for with a toddler in tow.  Then we headed to my favorite restaurant, Granite City for a late lunch.  We sat in the bar and enjoyed a pitcher of beer while watching the MSU game.  Then Pat talked me into ordering their big Cookie Pie dessert.  It was HUGE!  And yes, we polished that puppy off.  I'm not sure I have words to describe how good it actually was.  Of course, we should NOT have eaten the entire thing....but....that's what birthday's are for, right?!?!

Amazing shrimp tacos!

Death of a cookie :)

 We shopped a bit more in Fort Wayne and then headed home to my parents house where we had another small birthday celebration.  Lucy sang Happy Birthday to me and it was the sweetest thing ever :)  We stayed for a few hours and then put Lucy in her jammies and headed home where I received the sweetest birthday surprise ever.

We grabbed the mail on the way in and I saw I had a small package from my sweet friend Andrea.  Andrea is a friend I have had since the second grade.  We took dance class together from my mom, celebrated birthdays, commiserated over terrible teachers (Mrs. K), cried together over break-ups, and celebrated achievements in one anther's lives.  She is one of those friends where time and distance make no difference, which is good since we live 3 hours away from each other and don't get too see each other often.  She even took me in and let me stay with her while I attended the Influence Conference this past October and was the most wonderful hostess ever.  It was so fun and relaxing waking up to coffee already made each morning, playing with her sweet kids, and then staying up way too late into the night chatting over glasses of wine.

So when I saw a small package from her in the mail I was intrigued and super excited.  I opened it up and read her card to me and began crying a river of tears.  Oh, my sweet friend knew just what my heart needed this birthday.  She wrote me the most beautiful message of love, hope and prayers.  It was one of those cards you have to read twice because it is so good, so thoughtful.  She had also included a beautiful handmade clutch for me (that she made herself!!!), a Starbucks gift card and some adorable stickers for Lucy, along with a note to Pat that beer just wouldn't fit in the envelope :)

It was one of the most thoughtful and surprising gifts I have received in a long time and it gave me the opportunity to realize how truly blessed I am.  Even though I feel like I am in this lingering and murky season of loss and pain, I really am blessed beyond measure.  I have a husband who would do anything for me, a daughter who makes me laugh and find joy in each day. I have my health, a job and a beautiful home. A health coaching business I am slowly but surely putting together.

My sweet girl!

And friends.  Friends like Andrea who brighten my day and remind me to smile and know just when to send the perfect birthday surprise.  Thank you sweet friend!  You are one in a million!

Crying in the car and notes on waiting.

When I was reading Cold Tangerines (or possibly Bittersweet, I can't remember which one) there was a chapter where she talked crying in the bathroom.  She talked about the yearning and longing for a baby and how each month that passed with no baby resulted in tears in her bathroom.  Truthfully, though I don't typically cry in the bathroom, I cried when I read this chapter. I cried because I understood her tears as my own tears.  My tears just fall in a different place.  My crying happens in the car on the way to work or on the way home from work.  Or sometimes, on dark days, both ways.  The house is very busy at home (thankfully) with two working parents and an active toddler so my brain doesn't get much time to let my thoughts wander.  But I have a 30 minute commute to work and often times that is where my tears flow. 

We have started trying for another baby and just thinking about another baby can make me cry.  And now, each month that passes without a positive test at the end of it leads to several car rides full of tears.  I begin to doubt and worry and despair that we will never be able to grow our family.

Last month was an exceptionally tricky month.  Our first miscarried baby was due.  A date that came and went for many, but left an empty place in my heart for several days.  And then in a matter of three days I had four friends deliver beautiful, healthy, delicious babies.  Four adorable babies covering my facebook feed when we should have been bringing our own baby home.  And then I started my period, meaning no new baby still.  To say it was a rough week would be like putting a bandaid on a severed limb to stop the bleeding.

But then I started a new reading plan through She Reads Truth.  The Songs of Ascent.  Oh did I need this plan at this time.  On the first day they just had us read through Psalm 120-134, just to take it all in.  I stopped in my tracks when I got to Psalm 130.

Psalm 130

A song of ascents.

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
² Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
⁶ I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷ Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

 

I will wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. 

 

I probably read that verse 10 times as it met me right where I am.  I am waiting.  A thing I am rarely good at.  Waiting feels like the opposite of planning, and while I am not a total type A planner in most areas of my life, when it comes to babies I am a planner all the way.  I check Baby Center each month to see what the due date would be if we were to get pregnant that month.  Then I start planning how we would tell our families.  I start planning when we could host a gender reveal party, depending on what time of year it is.  I start to calculate how old Lucy will be and feel a gripping on my heart as she continues to get older with no baby in sight when I had PLANNED on my babies being much closer in age.

 

I will wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.

 

Waiting feels like the opposite of doing.  It feels like I am letting life happen to me instead of being an active participant in it.  In waiting, there is no control.  None.  How am I supposed to plan my life with no control?  And so I read it again.

 

I will wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.

 

Hope.  In him.  It starts to come together for me.  I remind myself over and over that I am not in control.  I remind myself that when I give up my tight grip on my plans, I can rest assured that God's plans are far better than my own.  And so I wait. I wait with my whole being.  I wait for that sweet baby to be in my arms.  I wait with my hope in Him.  Waiting is the ultimate test in patience.

 

I am reminded of a scene from Evan Almighty where Morgan Freeman (God)  is talking to Evan's wife.  She had given up on her husband at that point in the movie, but Morgan Freeman asked her a really poignant question.  "If you are praying to God for patience do you think God gives you patience, or an opportunity to be patient?  If you are praying for a closer relationship with your family do you think he zaps you with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give you an opportunity to be closer to your family?" (this is paraphrased but I have included a link to the clip below).

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkQnQFeW53I

 

I may not have prayed specifically for patience, but through my prayers it became clear that I needed to work on who I put my hope and trust in.  I feel like so much of my life is about waiting right now and I truly believe God is telling me that my wait may be long, but good.  And so, even through my tears and long car rides to and from work, I will put my trust in him.  I will wait, with my whole being knowing that I don't have to know anything more that his true, deep, abiding love for me.  He is unfailing in love and full of redemption. I will wait.  I will put my trust in him.  And I will be thankful.

 

And then, because I think Mumford and Sons is a truly genius band....I listen to what feels like my theme song at this point in life, I Will Wait.

 

Recently....

I realize it's been a bit quiet around here.  Life just gets really busy sometimes and I think about blogging so many times a day it's just not funny.  But when push comes to shove, it usually ends up being low priority.  Which truthfully, is probably where it should be for right now.  It's my outlet so it will always be a priority....but when you have an adorable 2-year old, a full time job, a husband, dinner to make, nutrition info to be studying and are trying to build a business.....well, blogging just ends up in the backseat sometimes.

So to give you a glimpse into my life for the past month.....

Recently, I have been reading Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet.  I feel like I deserve Bittersweet a post all on its own.  It was a book that came along at the right time and moved and stretched and comforted me in ways I didn't even know I needed.  Basically I was in tears the whole time I read it.  But oh, did I love that beautiful book.  Cold Tangerines was the same, but Bittersweet will forever hold a place in my heart.  If you haven't already read them, I would highly recommend them!

My Lucy girl is growing up.  I am sad and happy about it all at once.  I caught a glimpse of me holding her in the mirror this morning and was shocked at how big she now looks in my arms.  What happened to my tiny little bitty baby?!?  Of course, she is quite hilarious too!  She loves talking on her toy phones and could carry on a conversation with Grammy or Grandma Cindy on that phone for hours.  She loves just walking around the house chatting away....something she must have seen me do at some point eh?  We have been working on teaching her fun little sayings too like "See you later alligator" and "After while crocodile".  So now every time she hangs up her little phone she says, "Bye Grammy!  See you later, Crocodile!"  Pat and I crack up laughing every single time.  And now we find ourselves saying it the wrong way like her just because it's so funny!

On a whim a few Saturday's ago I was running errands with Lucy while Pat was working on taxes at home and decided to take her into our local coffee shop.  I was really in the mood for one of their hot teas and suddenly thought that Lucy might get a kick out of drinking a hot chocolate.  We ordered and headed over to the kids play area and she couldn't have been more thrilled to be playing with puzzles and drinking a "coffee".  It was such a sweet moment to share with this fun little kiddo of mine!

While there have been lots of fun things...there was also LOTS of sickness.  Pat and I both got sick last Sunday and while his ended up being pretty minor, mine turned into full blown stomach flu!  It was one of the worst flu's I have ever had.  By Tuesday I knew I was severely dehydrated and called Pat and work and asked him to take me into the ER.  Two bags of fluids and I was feeling much better but still needed the rest of the week to fully recover.  Being that sick makes you all kinds of grateful for your mom and husband who took turns nursing me back to health.  So blessed to have them both!

By Sunday I was finally feeling better!  The weather actually cleared up a bit and we hit a high of about 50 degrees!  It was beautiful and called for some much needed outdoor playtime!  Lucy had so much fun running around the driveway.  It was like her little body needed that fresh air in a way that she couldn't even fully express!  I think we all felt that way though.  We ended up taking a nice long walk through the surrounding neighborhoods before heading home and feasting on some yummy Mexican.  I may not have eaten for 4 days when I was sick, but my appetite came back with a vengeance and all I could think about were making these tacos!  They did not disappoint! 

I hope you have all had a great March so far and hope that things are starting to look like Spring where you live!  It still seems like winter here, sadly, but I am hopeful that warmer weather will be arriving soon!  Have a wonderful Thursday!!

Veggie Buffalo Bites

Since giving up most meat from my diet, there have been a few times where I came across a recipe that looked really good, but I had no idea how to make it vegetarian.  I was thrilled when I came across this recipe for vegetarian buffalo bites.  I always loved hot chicken wings, and this seemed like a great swap-out!

I made them a while back for one of the Colts playoff games that we watched at my parents house.  I was a bit nervous how the recipe would would turn out but these little veggie buffalo bites were a hit!  The game didn't turn out so great, but everyone loved the bites!  My mom and brother even made them again a few weeks later for their Super Bowl party!  Even though football season is over, these are still totally snack worthy for basketball games, or just for when you are really hungry!

Veggie Buffalo Bites

adapted barely from The Curvy Carrot

Ingredients

1 head cauliflower, cut into bite-sized pieces

1 cup buttermilk

1 cup unbleached AP flour

2 tsp garlic salt

1 cup Frank's Buffalo Sauce

1 tbs unsalted organic butter, melted

Directions

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees

In a large bowl whisk together buttermilk, flour and garlic salt.  Whisk until mostly smooth.

Very gently place chopped cauliflower in the bowl and lightly toss.  Completely coat with the buttermilk mixture.

Place coated cauliflower in a shallow baking dish and bake for 15-18 minutes, making sure not to let them get too browned.

While the cauliflower is cooking, combine the buffalo sauce and melted butter in small bowl.

Once cauliflower is done, remove from oven and pour the buffalo sauce mix over, stirring gently to coat.

Return to the oven and bake for another 5-8 minutes.  Let cool slightly and serve with celery and dipping sauce.

Words to live by.....

The wise words of Barney Stinson to send us into the weekend!  Happy Friday everyone!

Valentine's Day

This week is a bag of mixed emotions for me.  Valentine's Day is a day for love and giving and warmth and hugs and I can't get enough of all that stuff.  Pat and I even got engaged on Valentine's Day 4 years ago.  And while we just got back from a wonderful trip, and have a sweet little family celebration planned tonight....I can't help but think about the baby that we could have been having right now.  Nine months ago I took a test that took my breath away.  Two pink lines stared at me while my body was wracked with fear thinking how on Earth were we going to have another baby.  And before I even could wrap my mind around it....the pregnancy was over.  Just like that.

I knew this day would be coming but truly didn't know how to resolve it or what to do with it.  I haven't really talked much about it because sometimes I feel there isn't much to say.  We were going to have a baby.  And then we didn't.  But I read my friend Lindsay's blog which encouraged me to get the words out.  To tell my story.  If only so that I believe it myself.

So here we are, middle of February and no baby.  I know there is a reason and I know it's part of God's plan....but that sure doesn't mean I don't hurt over it.  And truthfully, one of the biggest pains to my heart is watching Lucy with her baby dolls.  She is so sweet and kind to them.  She hugs them close to her chest, bouncing up and down.  She gives them little kisses on the head.  She pats their tiny butts and whispers "Shh, shh, shhh" in their ears.  She shares her bed and she shares her snacks with them.  And as sweet as it is to watch, its like a dagger straight to my heart each time.  A reminder that I can't seem to give her a tiny baby brother or sister to watch over and hug and "shh".  It kills me to watch what an amazing big sister she would be and not be able to fill that role for her.

But then I remember that is pain and guilt I'm putting on myself.  Kids are great in that they are free little spirits who love and don't hold grudges or guilt.  She is a reminder that there is hope in each day and joy.  Hope and Joy. Two words I have been praying over and focusing on this year.  And God is the great redeemer.  He can take someone who was a broken mess at the end of last year and turn them into someone who is full of hope and finds joy each day.  And more importantly, joy in the unknown.  I don't have to know what the future is because that just isn't my job.  So I'm working on loving more.  And hoping more.  And finding joy in each day.

And while I am sad and I do think about the little baby that could have been joining our lives this week, I remember that I already have so much.  And that love is the great healer.

So tonight I am looking forward to scooping my sweet girl up, and kissing my handsome husband and celebrating a day devoted just to love, but knowing that in my heart, every day is a love day.

A cheerful heart is good medicine
Proverbs 17:22

Waffle Heart Sandwiches

Now that Lucy is a bit older I am excited to try new things with her to celebrate various holiday's throughout the year.  When I saw the post for these Waffle Heart Sandwiches over at Weelicious I just knew she would love them!

We used almond butter, whipped cream cheese (a luxury item around here), some fresh raspberries and honey.  We had so much fun cutting out the hearts and filling the sandwiches with yummy stuff!  While I thought about it too late, I think adding some sliced bananas would be really good in them too! Feel free to play around with what ingredients your family likes best!

Waffle Heart Sandwiches

adapted from Weelicious

Ingredients

6 slices of whole grain bread

3 tbs whipped cream cheese

3 tbs almond butter

honey

handful of fresh raspberries

Directions

Preheat your waffle iron

Using a heart-shaped cookie cutter, cut each slice of bread into a heart shape.

Slather the bread with almond butter, whipped cream cheese a drizzle of honey and 3-4 raspberries and the put the pieces of bread together to make a sandwich.  Add heart sandwiches to the waffle iron and toast for 3-4 minutes or until golden brown.  Cool slightly and enjoy!