Am I the only one who feels like they are hanging on by a thread? This past month has been an overwhelming whirlwind. I got sick. We sold our house and bought a new house. I was still sick. Pat left for a business trip for an entire week leaving me home with a very mobile baby and a house to pack. The week before we moved I got really sick with the stomach flu. We shipped our baby off to grandparents in an effort to finally pack up our house. And then we moved. And I got sick again.
I am generally a pretty happy person...optimistic. Happy. But lately, I just feel like I keep getting knocked down again and again. I am pretty frustrated about not being healthy and I think that is altering my attitude about everything else. I have been tired, run down, exhausted. Which in turn makes me a failing wife, mother and friend. Our house is a disaster with boxes everywhere and by the time I get Lucy to bed, I am ready for bed myself. Pat has been good about picking up the slack...but I feel like I am useless.
What a downer post so far huh? I guess I just feel like maybe if I put it all out there...I can start to move on. I can remember that I truly have so much to be grateful for. I have been praying a lot lately for healing and happiness. My faith reminds me that this season will pass and life will calm down again. But my human heart keeps me doubting.
I feel like suddenly my life is no longer my own. I know...this is silly and whiny and pouty. Yes, I have a wonderful husband, beautiful daughter and a new home. And yet....where do I fit into that equation? I feel like suddenly I am no fun anymore. I am just barely fulfilling my roles as wife and mom. I get the baby to daycare each day, go to work, come home and make dinner, wash bottles, feed the baby, give her a bath while Pat cleans up our mess, put her to bed, pack her food for the next day, unpack the house and fall into bed and kiss Pat goodnight. I know I signed up for this. And I know that I want all these things. I just am having trouble finding the joy in it.
There are so many things I would love to do. I want to learn how to sew. I want to sit down and read a book on a rainy afternoon in peace and quite. I want to become more crafty. I want to learn how to can tomatoes and make freezer jam (a bit late in the season, granted), I want to find 5 minutes to paint my nails.
And now I just have a list of "I wants". Which sounds selfish. Maybe God is teaching me a lesson in serving others.
So, I'm not a mom who has it all together. But I will continue to have faith, and to trust in the One bigger than me.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
You're SO not failing. For serious. Way more on that at our Thanksgiving coffee date in a couple of weeks. And that verse from Jeremiah is my absolute favorite. It hangs on the wall in my office and I keep it in my purse. I know just how you feel. Can't wait to hang out soon!!!
ReplyDeleteI have many of the feelings that you were just talking about also. I think that many (most??) people have these thoughts. Most people just aren't brave enough to share them. That bible verse is on our fridge...I have to remind myself of this regularly!
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