Wednesday, November 9, 2011

By a thread.....

Am I the only one who feels like they are hanging on by a thread?  This past month has been an overwhelming whirlwind.  I got sick.  We sold our house and bought a new house.  I was still sick.  Pat left for a business trip for an entire week leaving me home with a very mobile baby and a house to pack.  The week before we moved I got really sick with the stomach flu.  We shipped our baby off to grandparents in an effort to finally pack up our house.  And then we moved.  And I got sick again.

I am generally a pretty happy person...optimistic.  Happy.  But lately, I just feel like I keep getting knocked down again and again.  I am pretty frustrated about not being healthy and I think that is altering my attitude about everything else.  I have been tired, run down, exhausted.  Which in turn makes me a failing wife, mother and friend.  Our house is a disaster with boxes everywhere and by the time I get Lucy to bed, I am ready for bed myself.  Pat has been good about picking up the slack...but I feel like I am useless.

What a downer post so far huh?  I guess I just feel like maybe if I put it all out there...I can start to move on.  I can remember that I truly have so much to be grateful for.  I have been praying a lot lately for healing and happiness.  My faith reminds me that this season will pass and life will calm down again.  But my human heart keeps me doubting.

I feel like suddenly my life is no longer my own.  I know...this is silly and whiny and pouty.   Yes, I have a wonderful husband, beautiful daughter and a new home.  And yet....where do I fit into that equation?  I feel like suddenly I am no fun anymore.  I am just barely fulfilling my roles as wife and mom.  I get the baby to daycare each day, go to work, come home and make dinner, wash bottles, feed the baby, give her a bath while Pat cleans up our mess, put her to bed, pack her food for the next day, unpack the house and fall into bed and kiss Pat goodnight.  I know I signed up for this.  And I know that I want all these things.  I just am having trouble finding the joy in it. 

There are so many things I would love to do.  I want to learn how to sew.  I want to sit down and read a book on a rainy afternoon in peace and quite.  I want to become more crafty. I want to learn how to can tomatoes and make freezer jam (a bit late in the season, granted), I want to find 5 minutes to paint my nails.

And now I just have a list of "I wants".  Which sounds selfish.  Maybe God is teaching me a lesson in serving others.

So, I'm not a mom who has it all together.  But I will continue to have faith, and to trust in the One bigger than me.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."