Well, I debated even bringing this up (again) but it seems like I should explain where the heck I've been. It turns out we lost another sweet baby. And this one hit me a lot harder. I found out I was pregnant about a month ago and I was cautiously excited. We had some preliminary blood work done and the numbers looked great. We went in for an early ultrasound to see if the baby was developing as it should and all we saw was an empty sac. To be honest, I knew in my heart, right then and there, that things wouldn't end up in our favor. But the dr. said maybe we had our dates off and to come back in a week. If I started miscarrying, then we would know, and if not, then maybe we had a chance. Awesome.
So we went back the following week and again the ultrasound showed an empty sac. But then suddenly the lab tech saw a tiny yolk sac starting to form. Again, the dr. didn't want to be overly optimistic...but we indeed did have growth and some positive changes. So we waited one more week. Our dr. told us if there was no heartbeat by the next ultrasound, then we would have to consider the pregnancy a loss. And unfortunately that is exactly what happened. I had a procedure done earlier this week to remove the pregnancy and honestly, at this point I almost feel relieved. It was stressful not knowing what was going on week after week, and the fact that now we finally know, and that it is finally over....well, it's like a bit of fresh air.
That doesn't mean I don't find myself crying out of nowhere or completely terrified to ever try again (which I know we will), but it is nice to be out of limbo.
Oddly enough, I have a cousin who shared the whole experience with me. She is actually the same one who gave birth to her son John just hours before we had Lucy, at the same hospital. And now, she had ultrasound after ultrasound that ended with no baby. And as sad as I am for both of us, I can't tell you how wonderful it was to have each other to lean on. To share freely and openly because we both "got it". Miscarriage can be a terribly isolating event. No one really knows what to say to you. But she got it. I could tell her how angry I was and it was ok. I could tell her I just wanted it to be over and it was ok. She could tell me how relieved she felt after she had her D&C and it was ok. No judging, just honest acceptance. And now of course we will be scheduling a day of pampering massages complete with cocktails...as we have earned it!
Through the whole process I was reminded again how grateful we are to have Lucy. She was a wonderful distraction through the whole process and kept me sane when I might have been losing my mind. She made me laugh every day. She reminded me that there is love and light and laughter in this world and that even though things might be confusing and sad and scary....it would be ok.
I also kept going back to the same Winnie the Pooh quote over and over in my head.
"Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think"
So, although we are sad, and it's been quiet....we are doing ok. It's time to start brushing myself off, picking myself back up again and moving forward. But the nice thing...is I have some really wonderful friends and family who have been here to help pick me back up. And while I don't know what the future holds, I do know that if I hold on tight to love and joy and faith....it will all turn out alright.