Am I the only one who feels like they are hanging on by a thread? This past month has been an overwhelming whirlwind. I got sick. We sold our house and bought a new house. I was still sick. Pat left for a business trip for an entire week leaving me home with a very mobile baby and a house to pack. The week before we moved I got really sick with the stomach flu. We shipped our baby off to grandparents in an effort to finally pack up our house. And then we moved. And I got sick again.
I am generally a pretty happy person...optimistic. Happy. But lately, I just feel like I keep getting knocked down again and again. I am pretty frustrated about not being healthy and I think that is altering my attitude about everything else. I have been tired, run down, exhausted. Which in turn makes me a failing wife, mother and friend. Our house is a disaster with boxes everywhere and by the time I get Lucy to bed, I am ready for bed myself. Pat has been good about picking up the slack...but I feel like I am useless.
What a downer post so far huh? I guess I just feel like maybe if I put it all out there...I can start to move on. I can remember that I truly have so much to be grateful for. I have been praying a lot lately for healing and happiness. My faith reminds me that this season will pass and life will calm down again. But my human heart keeps me doubting.
I feel like suddenly my life is no longer my own. I know...this is silly and whiny and pouty. Yes, I have a wonderful husband, beautiful daughter and a new home. And yet....where do I fit into that equation? I feel like suddenly I am no fun anymore. I am just barely fulfilling my roles as wife and mom. I get the baby to daycare each day, go to work, come home and make dinner, wash bottles, feed the baby, give her a bath while Pat cleans up our mess, put her to bed, pack her food for the next day, unpack the house and fall into bed and kiss Pat goodnight. I know I signed up for this. And I know that I want all these things. I just am having trouble finding the joy in it.
There are so many things I would love to do. I want to learn how to sew. I want to sit down and read a book on a rainy afternoon in peace and quite. I want to become more crafty. I want to learn how to can tomatoes and make freezer jam (a bit late in the season, granted), I want to find 5 minutes to paint my nails.
And now I just have a list of "I wants". Which sounds selfish. Maybe God is teaching me a lesson in serving others.
So, I'm not a mom who has it all together. But I will continue to have faith, and to trust in the One bigger than me.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."