This week is a bag of mixed emotions for me. Valentine's Day is a day for love and giving and warmth and hugs and I can't get enough of all that stuff. Pat and I even got engaged on Valentine's Day 4 years ago. And while we just got back from a wonderful trip, and have a sweet little family celebration planned tonight....I can't help but think about the baby that we could have been having right now. Nine months ago I took a test that took my breath away. Two pink lines stared at me while my body was wracked with fear thinking how on Earth were we going to have another baby. And before I even could wrap my mind around it....the pregnancy was over. Just like that.
I knew this day would be coming but truly didn't know how to resolve it or what to do with it. I haven't really talked much about it because sometimes I feel there isn't much to say. We were going to have a baby. And then we didn't. But I read my friend Lindsay's blog which encouraged me to get the words out. To tell my story. If only so that I believe it myself.
So here we are, middle of February and no baby. I know there is a reason and I know it's part of God's plan....but that sure doesn't mean I don't hurt over it. And truthfully, one of the biggest pains to my heart is watching Lucy with her baby dolls. She is so sweet and kind to them. She hugs them close to her chest, bouncing up and down. She gives them little kisses on the head. She pats their tiny butts and whispers "Shh, shh, shhh" in their ears. She shares her bed and she shares her snacks with them. And as sweet as it is to watch, its like a dagger straight to my heart each time. A reminder that I can't seem to give her a tiny baby brother or sister to watch over and hug and "shh". It kills me to watch what an amazing big sister she would be and not be able to fill that role for her.
But then I remember that is pain and guilt I'm putting on myself. Kids are great in that they are free little spirits who love and don't hold grudges or guilt. She is a reminder that there is hope in each day and joy. Hope and Joy. Two words I have been praying over and focusing on this year. And God is the great redeemer. He can take someone who was a broken mess at the end of last year and turn them into someone who is full of hope and finds joy each day. And more importantly, joy in the unknown. I don't have to know what the future is because that just isn't my job. So I'm working on loving more. And hoping more. And finding joy in each day.
And while I am sad and I do think about the little baby that could have been joining our lives this week, I remember that I already have so much. And that love is the great healer.
So tonight I am looking forward to scooping my sweet girl up, and kissing my handsome husband and celebrating a day devoted just to love, but knowing that in my heart, every day is a love day.
A cheerful heart is good medicine