I feel a little guilty. I am gearing up to attend the Influence Conference next weekend and I am SURE it will be amazing. All of the girls have been connecting and blogging about how excited they are and I just can't make myself do it. I am excited, I really am deep down. But I am dealing with the aftermath right now and I just can't seem to focus on anything else.
Here's the thing, and I realized this earlier while emailing my cousin almost the same thing I'm going to put here, I am a rock in a storm. I am strong and tough and determined to make it through the crisis at hand. In the weeks leading up to ultimately losing the pregnancy I was really fine. I was trusting God and focusing on the blessings in my life. I was busy being a mom and a wife and working full-time and while I was worried, I mostly let myself get lost in the busyness of life. I enjoyed Lucy's wonderful distraction kept repeating, 'I trust God. He has a plan. I trust God. He has a plan". I honestly didn't even pray for him to save the baby as I just wanted to fully commit to trusting Him and I didn't know if that was in His plans or not.
And then we lost the baby. Even then I was ok. I was a bit emotional sure, but after the procedure I went home and helped Pat make dinner and played with Lucy. I was surprised at how well I was coping. Right up until I couldn't cope at all anymore.
It was a day or so after the procedure and suddenly I couldn't stop crying and everything made me sad. I felt like a constant cloud of sadness had wrapped it's arms around me. I prayed for peace. I prayed for comfort. I prayed for acceptance.
And I am still praying for all those things. I am still in the aftermath, trying to find my way back into the world again. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself and don't know why I can't just "buck up!" and be fine. People suffer far worse losses in their lives and are ok so why can't I be ok?
A lot of what sets me off is other people and they don't even know they are doing it. Lucy is almost 2 which means to the world that we need to have another baby. I can't tell you how often lately I have been asked when we are going to give Lucy a baby brother or sister. I usually just laugh and tell them we'll get there. But inside....inside I want to scream and cry. I want to tell them that giving her a sibling is ALL we want to do, only we can't. We keep having babies taken away. But I don't say any of that as I don't want to make anyone feel bad for asking an innocent seeming question.
After the first miscarriage I was so eager to try again. To move forward and feel like we were working on growing our family once more. But this time, I'm not sure when I'll be ready for that. I want another baby in such a bad way I don't even know how to explain it. I want to feel that baby swim around in my belly and hold a tiny newborn in all their perfection. I want to smell that new baby and rock that sweet baby to sleep, and yes, stay up all night feeding and changing and singing to that baby. But-I am just so scared right now.
But, God in all His glory knew I was at the end of my rope and in the midst of my sadness He opened a door and threw this girl a bone. I have been dreaming about attending the Institute for Integrative Nutrition in order to receive training to become a Health Coach and now that dream is coming true. My husband and I had talked and talked about it, but we decided to put it off for the time being as it's a bit expensive and we wanted to focus our efforts on starting a family. Last Friday, just days after losing our baby I received an email from the school with a limited offer on a tuition discount and now I am signed up to start classes at the end of this month.
So maybe the plan isn't to have a baby right now. Maybe the plan is to count my current blessings and expand my knowledge in nutrition so that I can help others feel healthy and good about themselves. And even in my sadness, I am grateful and know that while the plan right now might not include a baby, it's still a pretty great plan. And I have a lot to be thankful for. So if you see me around and I look a little sad...just know I'm dealing with the aftermath. But also know that I will rise above this because I am strong and I am tough and I believe in a God who loves to love.