A few years ago, shortly after Pat and I got married there was a 5K in our town to raise money for our local community foundation. Pat had just completed the Indy mini a few months prior and I had been running on and off so we decided to run in this little 5K. I talked two of my girlfriends into running with me since I was nowhere near fast enough to run with Pat the whole time. My friend Brooke had just started running and this was her first 5K. She was slow but steady and every time I would fall back to check on her she would smile and say, "I'm doing it!"
That phrase keeps running through my head lately. I feel like I am doing things that are new to me. Things that I may not be the best or the greatest or the fastest at....but look(!) I'm doing it! And not only am I doing it...I'm smiling! There have been times in my life where I have let fear completely cripple me. Or there are times where things seems so impossible that I just don't even attempt them. But now, here, I'm doing it!
I'm blogging more. I'm opening up more. I'm working on being more creative. I'm attending a Christian women's blogging conference this weekend that I am beyond excited and beyond terrified about. I started classes at the nutrition school I have been dying to attend. And I have been trying to be more joyful.
I remember a line from the Sex in the City movie (the first one...the good one!) where Carrie is talking about how she changed when planning her wedding to Big and she became a different person. At one point she is referring to her past self and says, "If I met me now, I wouldn't even know me."
Sometimes I feel that way about myself which is so surprising. I got all the things I had always wanted. A husband, a baby girl, a beautiful house, close friends and a great family. But something changed after I had Lucy and to this day I'm not entirely sure what the exact shift was. Maybe it was losing myself to another person who depended on me for everything. Maybe it was the fact that marriage is Hard with a capital H after having kids and no one prepares you for that. Maybe it was exhaustion and never taking just 5 minutes to remember who I used to be. At any rate, I became very serious. Kids bring lots of joy with them into this world, but they bring a lot of worries as well. And I am pretty sure I lost sight of the joy and only saw the worries. I could play the "what-if" game like a boss!
But that's really no way to live life. And so I'm trying to grow. I'm doing new things and I'm not letting fear have a hold on my life. I am working on being more loving and more joyful and finding the good in situations where I only saw bad before. And honestly, it's so refreshing. It's like I woke up. Now granted, even with my new view there are still tricky days and moments where I would love a do-over. But for the most part, I'm putting myself out there and learning to grow.
Who would have known on that cold October day three years ago that my friend would have given me the mantra to chant to get my life back on track? I'm doing it!