I'm doing it!

A few years ago, shortly after Pat and I got married there was a 5K in our town to raise money for our local community foundation.  Pat had just completed the Indy mini a few months prior and I had been running on and off so we decided to run in this little 5K.  I talked two of my girlfriends into running with me since I was nowhere near fast enough to run with Pat the whole time.  My friend Brooke had just started running and this was her first 5K.  She was slow but steady and every time I would fall back to check on her she would smile and say, "I'm doing it!"

That phrase keeps running through my head lately.  I feel like I am doing things that are new to me.  Things that I may not be the best or the greatest or the fastest at....but look(!) I'm doing it!  And not only am I doing it...I'm smiling!  There have been times in my life where I have let fear completely cripple me.  Or there are times where things seems so impossible that I just don't even attempt them.  But now, here, I'm doing it!

I'm blogging more.  I'm opening up more.  I'm working on being more creative.  I'm attending a Christian women's blogging conference this weekend that I am beyond excited and beyond terrified about.  I started classes at the nutrition school I have been dying to attend.  And I have been trying to be more joyful.

I remember a line from the Sex in the City movie (the first one...the good one!) where Carrie is talking about how she changed when planning her wedding to Big and she became a different person.  At one point she is referring to her past self and says, "If I met me now, I wouldn't even know me."

Sometimes I feel that way about myself which is so surprising.  I got all the things I had always wanted.  A husband, a baby girl, a beautiful house, close friends and a great family.  But something changed after I had Lucy and to this day I'm not entirely sure what the exact shift was.  Maybe it was losing myself to another person who depended on me for everything.  Maybe it was the fact that marriage is Hard with a capital H after having kids and no one prepares you for that.  Maybe it was exhaustion and never taking just 5 minutes to remember who I used to be.  At any rate, I became very serious.  Kids bring lots of joy with them into this world, but they bring a lot of worries as well.  And I am pretty sure I lost sight of the joy and only saw the worries.  I could play the "what-if" game like a boss!

But that's really no way to live life.  And so I'm trying to grow.  I'm doing new things and I'm not letting fear have a hold on my life.  I am working on being more loving and more joyful and finding the good in situations where I only saw bad before.  And honestly, it's so refreshing.  It's like I woke up.  Now granted, even with my new view there are still tricky days and moments where I would love a do-over.  But for the most part, I'm putting myself out there and learning to grow.

Who would have known on that cold October day three years ago that my friend would have given me the mantra to chant to get my life back on track?  I'm doing it!

Things are lookin' up!

I feel like the sun is starting to shine again and the air is beginning to clear.  I am ready to move forward and feel so at peace with that.  I will never forget our lost babies....but it's time to move on.  And God has provided the most amazing reasons to move forward.  First up is the awesome Influence Conference, just days away!  I can't even believe it's coming up so fast!  Sure I'm nervous, but the closer I get, the more excited I am!  I can't wait to meet all these amazing women and join together!  I am going to miss my little family like none other...but truth be told...I am so looking forward to sleeping through the night!  Lucy was doing so good with her sleeping and then she flipped the switch on us and is up multiple times again.  We tried bringing her to our room to sleep on the floor and she is hysterical and the only place she calms down is our bed.  So I've been sleeping with a head buried in my back and Pat has been kicked all week long.  Awesome-sauce!  And yes...I am fully aware she shouldn't be in our bed and we are aggravating the problem....but alas, I am terrible at the whole "cry-it-out" thing and when she is sobbing to the point of almost not breathing and has red blotches on her face, yeah, I'm gonna let the poor kid sleep with her mama and daddy.  And at 2am...I'm in no mood to battle a toddler :)

The second awesome thing I mention in the last post is that I have received my materials and started early classes at IIN!  It's fantastic!  And amazing!  And revolutionary!  And just what I needed.  I can't stop thinking about what I am learning and am so excited to share all this info with others and help others.  I feel like this is my own little personal miracle that it worked out for me to attend the school right at this time.  Once again...God is in the details.

I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for!  I am opening my eyes and looking at my life differently with new appreciation.  It's easy to say those things...but sometimes it can be hard to feel them.  And right now...I truly do feel them!

Something I have been thinking about for the past few weeks is this little blog of mine.  It started out as a food blog because I LOVE food, and always will.  But then, I had a baby, and things changed.  It sort of became a baby blog.  And then it sort of became neglected because working full-time and being a mommy and a wife leave a person pretty drained.  Thankfully that season passed and I am feeling more like blogging again.  But I am struggling with my name.....I'm not really a food blog all the time and I love sharing baby and family and life stories.  I have a few ideas up my sleeve, but I am thinking in a few months this little blog could/should be getting a facelift of sorts.  And I bet I get LOTS of ideas this coming weekend :)

I don't have any recipes to share today, but I do have a recent favorite picture to share.  My mom snapped this a few weekends ago because Lucy needed a family photo for daycare and we didn't have any recent ones of all three of us.  It was pretty exhausting getting her to sit and smile, but we finally (amazingly!) managed a pretty great one.  Oh, how I will miss those two this weekend....but I am so looking forward to this conference!  See all you Influencers soon!!!!

Aftermath

I feel a little guilty.  I am gearing up to attend the Influence Conference next weekend and I am SURE it will be amazing.  All of the girls have been connecting and blogging about how excited they are and I just can't make myself do it.  I am excited, I really am deep down.  But I am dealing with the aftermath right now and I just can't seem to focus on anything else.

Here's the thing, and I realized this earlier while emailing my cousin almost the same thing I'm going to put here, I am a rock in a storm.  I am strong and tough and determined to make it through the crisis at hand. In the weeks leading up to ultimately losing the pregnancy I was really fine.  I was trusting God and focusing on the blessings in my life.  I was busy being a mom and a wife and working full-time and while I was worried, I mostly let myself get lost in the busyness of life.  I enjoyed Lucy's wonderful distraction kept repeating, 'I trust God. He has a plan.  I trust God.  He has a plan".  I honestly didn't even pray for him to save the baby as I just wanted to fully commit to trusting Him and I didn't know if that was in His plans or not.

And then we lost the baby.  Even then I was ok.  I was a bit emotional sure, but after the procedure I went home and helped Pat make dinner and played with Lucy.  I was surprised at how well I was coping.  Right up until I couldn't cope at all anymore.

It was a day or so after the procedure and suddenly I couldn't stop crying and everything made me sad.  I felt like a constant cloud of sadness had wrapped it's arms around me.  I prayed for peace.  I prayed for comfort.  I prayed for acceptance.

And I am still praying for all those things.  I am still in the aftermath, trying to find my way back into the world again.  Sometimes I get frustrated with myself and don't know why I can't just "buck up!" and be fine.  People suffer far worse losses in their lives and are ok so why can't I be ok?

A lot of what sets me off is other people and they don't even know they are doing it.  Lucy is almost 2 which means to the world that we need to have another baby.  I can't tell you how often lately I have been asked when we are going to give Lucy a baby brother or sister.  I usually just laugh and tell them we'll get there.  But inside....inside I want to scream and cry.  I want to tell them that giving her a sibling is ALL we want to do, only we can't.  We keep having babies taken away.  But I don't say any of that as I don't want to make anyone feel bad for asking an innocent seeming question.

After the first miscarriage I was so eager to try again.  To move forward and feel like we were working on growing our family once more.  But this time, I'm not sure when I'll be ready for that.  I want another baby in such a bad way I don't even know how to explain it.  I want to feel that baby swim around in my belly and hold a tiny newborn in all their perfection.  I want to smell that new baby and rock that sweet baby to sleep, and yes, stay up all night feeding and changing and singing to that baby.  But-I am just so scared right now. 

But, God in all His glory knew I was at the end of my rope and in the midst of my sadness He opened a door and threw this girl a bone.  I have been dreaming about attending the Institute for Integrative Nutrition in order to receive training to become a Health Coach and now that dream is coming true. My husband and I had talked and talked about it, but we decided to put it off for the time being as it's a bit expensive and we wanted to focus our efforts on starting a family.  Last Friday, just days after losing our baby I received an email from the school with a limited offer on a tuition discount and now I am signed up to start classes at the end of this month.

So maybe the plan isn't to have a baby right now.  Maybe the plan is to count my current blessings and expand my knowledge in nutrition so that I can help others feel healthy and good about themselves.  And even in my sadness, I am grateful and know that while the plan right now might not include a baby, it's still a pretty great plan.  And I have a lot to be thankful for.  So if you see me around and I look a little sad...just know I'm dealing with the aftermath.  But also know that I will rise above this because I am strong and I am tough and I believe in a God who loves to love.

Shrimp and Lemon Skewers with Feta-Dill Sauce

Ok I know that grilling season is basically over, and I'm sorry I didn't get these to you before now.  But the fact of the matter is, this meal is too awesome to not to share!  So toss on a coat, throw a scarf around your neck and get grilling!  Or, you know, use an indoor grill pan.  Way less of an adventure...but you will be sure to stay warm. 

Shrimp and Lemon Skewers with Feta-Dill Sauce

Source:  Food & Wine

Ingredients

1/2 cup greek yogurt (I used Fage yogurt)

1 scallion, white and green parts, thinly sliced

4 large garlic cloves, minced

2 1/2 Tbs finely chopped fresh dill

1/2 cup feta cheese crumbles

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

2 pounds peeled and deveined large shrimp

2 lemons, cut into 12 wedges each

Salt and Pepper to taste

Directions

Start your grill.  In a medium bowl, mix the yogurt, scallions, 1/4 of the garlic and 1/2 tbs of the dill.  Stir in feta, mashing it slightly.  Season with salt and pepper.

In a large bowl, combine the remaining garlic, 2 tbs of dill and olive oil.  Add the shrimp and lemons, salt and pepper and toss to coat.  Thread 4-5 shrimp and 2 lemon wedges onto a skewer.  Season with salt and pepper and grill over medium-hot grill, turning occasionally, until the shrimp are cooked through, about 5 minutes.  Transfer the skewers to a platter and serve immediately with feta sauce.

I served this with a side of Angel Hair Pasta with Chile Lemon & Arugula but cut way back on the spices as a certain little girl of ours does NOT like the spicy!  Hope you enjoy this super simple and yummy meal!

Snake goes in the potty

So I know it's coming.  And I know I should be happy about it and proud or something.  But truthfully.....I want to just lie down and take a nap even thinking about it.  Yes, yes, I'm talking about potty training.  Ugh...makes me tired even typing about it.

I'm sure you get what is happening here....Lucy has become VERY interested in the potty and I know that is a good sign.  However, she only seems to be interested when we are running late and trying to get out the door on time.  She can go hours without even remembering we have a potty in the house and then suddenly its time to put on our shoes and coat and go bye-bye and she starts running around 'Potty!  Potty!  I do it!  Potty!' all while pulling her pants off and attempting to climb right into the toilet.

Ahhh the toilet. Along with potty training and all that entails, the toilet itself brings it's own set of problems.  So here's the thing and I'm going to be completely honest here--I am not a great housewife.  And when I say that, what I really mean is I hate to clean.  Totally not a fan.  There are way more fun things to do in the world besides scrubbing toilets and showers. But now that my daughter is trying to get all waist-deep in our toilet, not only do I need to make time to supervise, I better get my butt in gear and actually clean the sucker because apparently one year olds aren't aware that toilets are yucky places and she probably doesn't want to be touching it all over the place.

Lucy's potty preference really consists of taking off pants and diaper (which she insists on doing herself) and then me sitting her on the potty.  She will sit there for about 1.5 seconds and declare "All done!".  Then we battle for one full minute on how much toilet paper she can use when she didn't potty at all.  She normally wins and 3 yards of toilet paper end up in the potty.  Then she likes to flush, by herself again.  And spray.  And then wash hands for 10 minutes straight.  Don't even think about cutting hand washing time short either.....she is prepared to throw a full on tantrum.

We did buy her a small training potty which occasionally she shows some interest in, but like any strong-willed toddler, she wants to do everything how the big people do them.  But keep in mind that while we may spend lots of time talking about the potty, we are yet to actually "potty" on the potty.  And really, I'm not pushing it or working with her on it yet because she is still only 1 and conceptually, I'm not sure she "gets" it all yet when it comes to the potty.  We are making some progress however as she will notify us (only sometimes) when she has a poopy diaper.  She will run up to us and point to her bottom and say "Poop.  Butt.  Stinky" and then demand she take the diaper off herself so she can help.  Yes, that totally "helps" when she takes off her own poopy diaper :)

One day I decided to show her where the poopy goes so that she might make the potty connection.  So we took the diaper into the bathroom and as I was shaking her poopy into the toilet I thought, "wow....that's a LOT of poopy".  And I was right.  We had to get Pat to use the plunger and unclog the toilet.  So ya, basically my daughter clogged up the toilet.  And we have refrained from putting anymore diaper poopys in the potty since then.

We have had some pretty humorous potty moments however. This past Saturday morning I was heading to take a shower and when I walked by Lucy I spelled the familiar aroma in the air and told Pat she would need a new diaper soon!  I was in the middle of my shower when Pat came racing in to tell me he looked over at Lucy and saw her naked from the waist down, walking around holding her poopy diaper.  He was freaking out, but I'm pretty sure I have never laughed so hard!

 
While I feel we are getting close on understand poop goes in the potty, I often wonder how to explain that tinkle goes in the potty too.  We have made "ssssss" noises while she has been on the potty before and run water at various times to sort of encourage the process but so far nothing has really clicked.  Until a few weeks ago when she kept pointing to her little potty and shouting "Snake! Snake! Snake!"  Honestly I just through she was making stuff up and sort of ignored her and walked out of the bathroom so I could continue getting ready.  But as I heard her continue to shout I figured I better check out the situation again.  As I walked back into the bathroom she shouted "Snake" one more time and then lifted the lid, sat down and said "sssssssss".  Hmm....making we are making progress after all :)

Quiet....but ok

Well, I debated even bringing this up (again) but it seems like I should explain where the heck I've been.  It turns out we lost another sweet baby.  And this one hit me a lot harder.  I found out I was pregnant about a month ago and I  was cautiously excited.  We had some preliminary blood work done and the numbers looked great.  We went in for an early ultrasound to see if the baby was developing as it should and all we saw was an empty sac.  To be honest, I knew in my heart, right then and there, that things wouldn't end up in our favor.  But the dr. said maybe we had our dates off and to come back in a week.  If I started miscarrying, then we would know, and if not, then maybe we had a chance. Awesome.

So we went back the following week and again the ultrasound showed an empty sac.  But then suddenly the lab tech saw a tiny yolk sac starting to form.  Again, the dr. didn't want to be overly optimistic...but we indeed did have growth and some positive changes.  So we waited one more week.  Our dr. told us if there was no heartbeat by the next ultrasound, then we would have to consider the pregnancy a loss.  And unfortunately that is exactly what happened.  I had a procedure done earlier this week to remove the pregnancy and honestly, at this point I almost feel relieved.  It was stressful not knowing what was going on week after week, and the fact that now we finally know, and that it is finally over....well, it's like a bit of fresh air.

That doesn't mean I don't find myself crying out of nowhere or completely terrified to ever try again (which I know we will), but it is nice to be out of limbo.

Oddly enough, I have a cousin who shared the whole experience with me.  She is actually the same one who gave birth to her son John just hours before we had Lucy, at the same hospital.  And now, she had ultrasound after ultrasound that ended with no baby.  And as sad as I am for both of us, I can't tell you how wonderful it was to have each other to lean on.  To share freely and openly because we both "got it".  Miscarriage can be a terribly isolating event.  No one really knows what to say to you.  But she got it.  I could tell her how angry I was and it was ok.  I could tell her I just wanted it to be over and it was ok.  She could tell me how relieved she felt after she had her D&C and it was ok.  No judging, just honest acceptance.  And now of course we will be scheduling a day of pampering massages complete with cocktails...as we have earned it!

Through the whole process I was reminded again how grateful we are to have Lucy.  She was a wonderful distraction through the whole process and kept me sane when I might have been losing my mind.  She made me laugh every day.  She reminded me that there is love and light and laughter in this world and that even though things might be confusing and sad and scary....it would be ok.

I also kept going back to the same Winnie the Pooh quote over and over in my head. 

"Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think"

So, although we are sad, and it's been quiet....we are doing ok.  It's time to start brushing myself off, picking myself back up again and moving forward.  But the nice thing...is I have some really wonderful friends and family who have been here to help pick me back up.  And while I don't know what the future holds, I do know that if I hold on tight to love and joy and faith....it will all turn out alright. 



         

Influence Meet and Greet!

So back in May or early June I started seeing information pop up about this Influence blogging conference everywhere.  Now, I may not be the best blogger, but oh do I love to read blogs!  And a good majority of the blogs I read were talking about this christian blogging conference and I couldn't get it out of my head.  And then I found out it was being held in Indy which is only a few hours from where I live.  Then I REALLY couldn't get it out of my head.

So I chatted with my husband and thought about it and prayed about and and decided that as much as I would LOVE to go, I was just too chicken.  I wouldn't know a single person there and I am kind of a homebody.  I would miss my baby girl and my husband and the whole thought of leaving for THREE nights just made me all kinds of nervous.  So I put it out of my head and moved on.

And then something funny happened.  I just couldn't get it out of my head.  Hmmm....maybe God was trying to tell me something.  So once again I thought and prayed and talked to my husband and then next thing I knew I was taking a deep breathe and buying a ticket.  At first I was elated!  I was actually going to do this!  But to be honest...I'm feeling those nerves much more strongly than excitement right now.  So this whole meet and greet couldn't have come at a better time! :)

I'm actually going to be staying with a friend who lives in Indy to save some cash, but she is close to the hotel so I will be able to just drive back and forth.  Yet another thought that makes me nervous.  Which is sort of frustrating because I can be fairly outgoing...but new situations???  Nervous!

Anyways here is a little info about me and I can't wait to "meet" more girls online and then in person in a few weeks!!!

3 get to know me things:

1.  I have a hilarious daughter  Lucy who will be 2 in December and a pretty great husband Pat.  We will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary in just a few weeks!

2.  I LOVE to cook!  Although working full time and having a kid make it a lot more difficult.  I am pretty passionate about whole, clean, organic foods and am a mostly vegetarian :)  Sometimes I have chicken.  But mostly not.  But seafood?  Mmmm....yummy goodness! :)

3. I am fairly new to blogging and pretty uneducated.  My big dream would be to blog and run a health coaching business.  I am looking into going to school for this early next year.

2 things I am looking forward to:

1.  I am really looking forward to meeting so many amazing ladies!
2.  I can't wait to learn from the best and then apply all that knowledge once I get home.

1 thing I can't leave home without:

My iPhone.  FaceTime does this mama wonders when I missing my sweet girl!